when i weighed myself this morning i was both sad and happy. i had gained 600 grams since last week which is bad, but i honestly thought i'd gained at least 1 kg, so it was not really THAT bad after all. so... i now weigh 88.7 kg. *sigh*

i decided that after i've finished this bag of corn that i make popcorn from then i won't eat any potato chips or popcorn until after my birthday at the earliest. i have eaten these things WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much lately... bad excuses being like: now you have an exam-then it's ok to get a bag of chips or now you are done with your exam-then it's ok to get a bag of chips. i need to put into mind what some woman on the biggest loser once said (though she only talked about work outs...): there's no room for bad excuses as they are the ones that made you fat.
i think that applies to my bad eating habits as well. i also need to drink more tea and water again. am not sure if eating the rest of the popcorn is a bad excuse... i just know that i will feel really relly bad if i just throw them out in the garbage, i feel like that with all food. i even have some cheese of a kind that i really hate so i don't eat it and i just keep it in the fridge till i find someone who'll have it or it's gotten too old. i'm like that with the popcorn as well. and i know from experience that i cannot let popcorn and potato chips just be hidden away somewhere in the kitchen. cos i know it's there and it's like a worm wiggling about in the back of my head until i eat some of it. i can try to refuse this craving... but then, by ten-eleven pm i'm feeling so messed up about it that i am almost crying. it's nuts that i feel like this when i have those "foods" in the house cos i don't feel it when i don't have them.

on other things. i just finished what i had to read about the history of Denmark from 1900-2000 for my exam on the 17th or the 18th. i feel like i've really accomplished something by doing this LOL. now i just need to read what i missed or skipped for 6 classes of that subject, Europe in the World 2. i am not sure how many pages that will be. but i'll read as many as possible until monday where i'll start getting a good overview of my notes (typing them into the computer and then later on i'll print them out and use as prep-notes for my exam).

so... i handed in the paper on friday and since then i just got more and more scared that i made mistakes that will make me fail. i prayed to Odin to give me some wisdom in order to pass the exam but what the hell does that help if i made other kinds of mistakes? i just have to wait 3 weeks to get the grade.... OH MY GAY GOD!!! i'm not sure how the waiting time will be... :S

tuesday-thursday is the next exam. also a paper to write but this time it's only going to be 3-5 pages long. so that's not so bad. last semester i passed a similar paper in that subject without ever being to the class or reading any homework for it. this semester i've been to about halft the classes i'd say and i read a few texts.... so i am optimistic!!! :)

so until then i have free time... and i am currently spending it on studying for the first oral exam i have (on the 17th or 18th). I get through the texts easier because i think of it as something "fun" to do... i don't HAVE to do it until after the exam next week.

diet-/weight wise this week has been a rollercoaster... i gained 1½ kg so at my weigh in on friday i weighed 99.1 kg. the friday before i "only" weighed 87.6. but now i'm back to 87.6. i know i should not weigh myself so often but i have to if i am to keep my motivation to eat well up. i did try to not weigh myself more than once per week but that made me not care too much about what i ate because i kept thinking that it'd only hurt on friday so i still had some days to go and then suddenly it'd be friday and i'd have gained weight. when i weigh myself 2-3 times a week (i only count the friday weigh-in as the real one. it's the friday weigh that counts) i keep in mind that i have to eat healthy food. and a good weigh in also makes me so happy and full of energy that i have to dance and sing and (if i'm outside) walk fast. so... it's all good i think.
as some of you might remember i had this huge fear in the autumn that i could get an eating disorder. i think it was the shock of suddenly being so damn aware of what i eat and what my food contains of calories and so on. the fear still pops up from time to time but it only lasts for maximum 1 day. so it's going much better with that. i also think that one of the things that really assures me that i will not get an eating disorder is that i simply will NOT let myself weigh less than 65 kg and i am very aware that my goal is to be just somewhere between 65-70 kg. and i've also made it very very clear for my mom that i will not ever weigh less than 65 kg so she knows that if i get under that weight she has to be really aware about what i do.
when i weighed 70kg i was still a little chubby but it was not much. my ideal weight is 68kg so.... i think that 65-70 kg will be good for me, you know?

oh... i realized that i can wear medium shirts!!! for a long time i didn't dare to do that because i was big and the shirts and tops would be too tight if they were a size medium. But i am a medium girl with the shirts and tops again *YAY!* so friday after i handed in the paper, me and Marie Louise went to H&M and i bought a black top and a black fishnet-tanktop both size medium. my ass is still a big size xl or something like that. i'm happy that i'm pear-shaped but seriously... it's pretty much. from head to navel i'm actually slim enough but from navel to feel it's just... KA-BOOM!!!!... big. when i gain weight i think it's like... 80% under the navel and 20% over it. something like that, at least.
on the other hand i hope that when i lose weight it'll be 80% under the navel and 20% over it. hehe. there has to be a balance in the unbalance. LOL. as i said... i'm happy that i'm pear-shaped... but i'm not happy that it's so much that i feel my body is un-proportional so much. i am sure that it's because of my shape that i haven't gotten diabetes type 2 or something creepy like that. if i was apple-shaped i probably would have gotten it. :S i am really healthy actually... my doctor has had me through health tests twice now and both times he saw no warning signs of anything except that i was overweight.

i still sometimes get overwhelmed by this feeling of being incredibly alone with losing weight as if i'm the only person in the world trying to lose weight, you know? i mean.. i get support every now and then both here and from my mom and my friends... but that support is mainly expressed via text messages or comments here. i'd just LOVE it if one of my friends asked me if i'd come over and have dinner at his/her place and we'd eat something that was not "violating" my diet. or if someone would just... i don't know. i would just really love some real physical support. i'd just love it if Kim would start losing weight as well cos then we could do it together. i am not sure if this is selfish of me to wish for.

i've seen the first 4 episode of the Thunderbirds!!!! I just LOOOOOOOOVE it! i can't believe that i haven't seen it for so many years. my mom is also nuts about the Thunderbirds. it's really been a revival LOL. i will now go and see if there is any stationery with the Thunderbirds and if there is i'll see if i have money to get it. I'd LOOOOOVE letter sets or notepads with the series!!!! if anyone has ever seen any Thunderbird notepads or letter sets please let me know, ok? :)
The Thunderbirds are GO!