not because i hate losing weight... but i hate hate hate when i gain.

i gained weight during my weightloss challenge so i ended up where i started: 87.3 kg. now i am really really really getting back on track (until saturday where the first movie club "meeting" is) and i am feeling good about that.

i got this cutting from a magazine about how to calculate how many calories you are to get if you want to maintain the weight you got and how many to get if you want to reach your desired weight. turns out i should eat 1560 calories (when i'm not working out) in order to reach 65kgs. so today i calculated how many calories are in my food. it's a normal day so it tells me how much i get in average (as i spend time at home alone a lot). so here's my calories:

breakfast
2 buns, 4 slices of cheese, a bit of butter: 383 calories

in between meal
1 banana: 93 calories

lunch
270g yoghurt, 40 grams Fiberkost: 200 calories

in between meal
1 small pack of raisins: 45 calories

dinner
2 pieces of fish, 135g rice (dry): 650 calories

i also drank 1 mug of green tea (am not sure how many calories that is) and some water. all in all (well without the calories in the tea...) that equals: 1371 calories if my pocket calculator is correct. haha.

i was (and still is) shocked! i was sure i got more calories than that!!! i was fearing that i got more like 2000 calories. but no. now i have to think about getting calories enough! christness!

it's been very up and down these last 2 weeks i think. down because i have fought to get my weight down again. and i have been fighting a lot with dealing with things that usually makes me snack in the evening. it's been hard but i am doing it! up because i AM getting my weight back down now. and that makes me feel good about myself. i tried on this dress the other day that i got years ago. it's very very pretty but it's also not looking good on me when i am this weight. but the last time i wore it i weighed 96kg so it looks much better on me now. :) it's still not good on me but it's better. :)

when i weighed myself this morning i was both sad and happy. i had gained 600 grams since last week which is bad, but i honestly thought i'd gained at least 1 kg, so it was not really THAT bad after all. so... i now weigh 88.7 kg. *sigh*

i decided that after i've finished this bag of corn that i make popcorn from then i won't eat any potato chips or popcorn until after my birthday at the earliest. i have eaten these things WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much lately... bad excuses being like: now you have an exam-then it's ok to get a bag of chips or now you are done with your exam-then it's ok to get a bag of chips. i need to put into mind what some woman on the biggest loser once said (though she only talked about work outs...): there's no room for bad excuses as they are the ones that made you fat.
i think that applies to my bad eating habits as well. i also need to drink more tea and water again. am not sure if eating the rest of the popcorn is a bad excuse... i just know that i will feel really relly bad if i just throw them out in the garbage, i feel like that with all food. i even have some cheese of a kind that i really hate so i don't eat it and i just keep it in the fridge till i find someone who'll have it or it's gotten too old. i'm like that with the popcorn as well. and i know from experience that i cannot let popcorn and potato chips just be hidden away somewhere in the kitchen. cos i know it's there and it's like a worm wiggling about in the back of my head until i eat some of it. i can try to refuse this craving... but then, by ten-eleven pm i'm feeling so messed up about it that i am almost crying. it's nuts that i feel like this when i have those "foods" in the house cos i don't feel it when i don't have them.

on other things. i just finished what i had to read about the history of Denmark from 1900-2000 for my exam on the 17th or the 18th. i feel like i've really accomplished something by doing this LOL. now i just need to read what i missed or skipped for 6 classes of that subject, Europe in the World 2. i am not sure how many pages that will be. but i'll read as many as possible until monday where i'll start getting a good overview of my notes (typing them into the computer and then later on i'll print them out and use as prep-notes for my exam).

so... i handed in the paper on friday and since then i just got more and more scared that i made mistakes that will make me fail. i prayed to Odin to give me some wisdom in order to pass the exam but what the hell does that help if i made other kinds of mistakes? i just have to wait 3 weeks to get the grade.... OH MY GAY GOD!!! i'm not sure how the waiting time will be... :S

tuesday-thursday is the next exam. also a paper to write but this time it's only going to be 3-5 pages long. so that's not so bad. last semester i passed a similar paper in that subject without ever being to the class or reading any homework for it. this semester i've been to about halft the classes i'd say and i read a few texts.... so i am optimistic!!! :)

so until then i have free time... and i am currently spending it on studying for the first oral exam i have (on the 17th or 18th). I get through the texts easier because i think of it as something "fun" to do... i don't HAVE to do it until after the exam next week.

diet-/weight wise this week has been a rollercoaster... i gained 1½ kg so at my weigh in on friday i weighed 99.1 kg. the friday before i "only" weighed 87.6. but now i'm back to 87.6. i know i should not weigh myself so often but i have to if i am to keep my motivation to eat well up. i did try to not weigh myself more than once per week but that made me not care too much about what i ate because i kept thinking that it'd only hurt on friday so i still had some days to go and then suddenly it'd be friday and i'd have gained weight. when i weigh myself 2-3 times a week (i only count the friday weigh-in as the real one. it's the friday weigh that counts) i keep in mind that i have to eat healthy food. and a good weigh in also makes me so happy and full of energy that i have to dance and sing and (if i'm outside) walk fast. so... it's all good i think.
as some of you might remember i had this huge fear in the autumn that i could get an eating disorder. i think it was the shock of suddenly being so damn aware of what i eat and what my food contains of calories and so on. the fear still pops up from time to time but it only lasts for maximum 1 day. so it's going much better with that. i also think that one of the things that really assures me that i will not get an eating disorder is that i simply will NOT let myself weigh less than 65 kg and i am very aware that my goal is to be just somewhere between 65-70 kg. and i've also made it very very clear for my mom that i will not ever weigh less than 65 kg so she knows that if i get under that weight she has to be really aware about what i do.
when i weighed 70kg i was still a little chubby but it was not much. my ideal weight is 68kg so.... i think that 65-70 kg will be good for me, you know?

oh... i realized that i can wear medium shirts!!! for a long time i didn't dare to do that because i was big and the shirts and tops would be too tight if they were a size medium. But i am a medium girl with the shirts and tops again *YAY!* so friday after i handed in the paper, me and Marie Louise went to H&M and i bought a black top and a black fishnet-tanktop both size medium. my ass is still a big size xl or something like that. i'm happy that i'm pear-shaped but seriously... it's pretty much. from head to navel i'm actually slim enough but from navel to feel it's just... KA-BOOM!!!!... big. when i gain weight i think it's like... 80% under the navel and 20% over it. something like that, at least.
on the other hand i hope that when i lose weight it'll be 80% under the navel and 20% over it. hehe. there has to be a balance in the unbalance. LOL. as i said... i'm happy that i'm pear-shaped... but i'm not happy that it's so much that i feel my body is un-proportional so much. i am sure that it's because of my shape that i haven't gotten diabetes type 2 or something creepy like that. if i was apple-shaped i probably would have gotten it. :S i am really healthy actually... my doctor has had me through health tests twice now and both times he saw no warning signs of anything except that i was overweight.

i still sometimes get overwhelmed by this feeling of being incredibly alone with losing weight as if i'm the only person in the world trying to lose weight, you know? i mean.. i get support every now and then both here and from my mom and my friends... but that support is mainly expressed via text messages or comments here. i'd just LOVE it if one of my friends asked me if i'd come over and have dinner at his/her place and we'd eat something that was not "violating" my diet. or if someone would just... i don't know. i would just really love some real physical support. i'd just love it if Kim would start losing weight as well cos then we could do it together. i am not sure if this is selfish of me to wish for.

i've seen the first 4 episode of the Thunderbirds!!!! I just LOOOOOOOOVE it! i can't believe that i haven't seen it for so many years. my mom is also nuts about the Thunderbirds. it's really been a revival LOL. i will now go and see if there is any stationery with the Thunderbirds and if there is i'll see if i have money to get it. I'd LOOOOOVE letter sets or notepads with the series!!!! if anyone has ever seen any Thunderbird notepads or letter sets please let me know, ok? :)
The Thunderbirds are GO!

yayness on how i feel pretty and i can't help but to look in the mirror and getting all excited about how i just feel great weight/size wise today and i look myself in the eyes and tell me that i can't wait to reach 80 kg (that's just about 7.5kg from now but i could be wrong as the period messes with my weight a bit) and i do a little happy dance. haha. i just feel so good about myself today even though i still have some pain because of the menstruation....

i bought the Thunderbirds dvd-box for my mom today. so now she can die happy, so to speak haha

and i am finally getting my blanket and my green foot washed. the blanket is what i almost always sit under when i'm sitting on my couch and the green foot is this anti-slippery thing i have on the floor in the bathroom hehe. i really really needed to wash both items... and i FINALLY got the stuff in a washing machine hehe.

when it's done i'll hang it up outside to dry in the wind. and when it's out there i can go and do a little gardening as well. you can't really see that just a month ago i got rid of 2 huge black bags of weeds and stuff that just got too overwhelming in the garden. it's all grown over again. how in the world can there be so many seeds in such a small garden. it seems that no matter how much i take up from the ground there's always new plants and flowers waiting to get sun and rain to grow from the spot i just cleared. i am seriously thinking about just clearing the whole garden and then start all over again... oooohhh... i'll have to take my mom into councelling with this, i think. i'm still 100% new to all the gardening stuff so i don't know what's best. and i don't want to ask my dad.

oh... did i tell you guys that on thursday i'm going to my grandmom's birthday? she'll be 92 years old. HAHA!!! i am planning to get as old as her if not older. i mean... why not? she still hangs out with her girl friends and they drive to all places in denmark in the summers and have a good time. 8 years ago my grandmom broke her neck from falling and she didn't mind that much but she got admitted to the hospital and was there for a while. she still has her driver's license. she almost gets offended if you are her guest and you do not drink at least one beer. haha. i think it was last year that my dad's brother and my aunt got my grandmom so drunk in whiskey that they had to let her sleep on their couch haha.
if that's not a cool grandmom i don't know what is. i want to be as active (or more) as she is when i get 92.

today i bought 2kg of cow meat so now i can make lots of my yummy "meat sauce without the sauce"!!! ½ kg of meat, lots of onion, lots of red peppar and tons of curry and i have dinner for 2-3 days. so it was a good buy, i think. usually ½ kg of cow meat costs about 25-30 kroner but i gave 80kroner for 2 kg so that's only 20 kroner per ½ kg. :D i seriously feel like i just bought food for a month... hehe.

and i only have three letters to reply to now. *yay* the last one i have in the pile is to Anna and she's not home for months yet, so i have some awesome ideas about that letter. hehe. i feel so happy about all the letters i'm writing these days. and they all seems to be longer than usual. guess i have a lot to say, huh? :)

i'm really happy that i seem to be more active here at LJ again :)